Wrestlicious Takedown Episode 1

Is it G.L.O.W.?

NOPE!

W.O.W.?

GUESS AGAIN!

IT'S WRESTLICIOUS, BABY!

Get ready to hear that over and over again, Wrestlicious(baby) is half the brain child of Jimmy Hart, who spouts out the b-word more than the Justin Bieber single.

The debut episode starts off with a montage of the goofy shit to come, complete with audience cheers.

Will cheer for booze

We're then treated to the kitchen of JV Rich, real name, Jonathan Vargas, the goofy bastard who Hart and G.L.O.W. producer Johnny Cafarella duped into footing the bill of Wrestlicious.

Complete with models masquerading as wrestlers 

Vargas was 19 at the time and just recently won over $30 million in the Florida powerball; I guess there's worse ways to blow a lot of money. Any who, back to the show.

Jimmy Hart is doing the dishes, which is apparently funny, according to the laugh track at least. Jimmy leaves the kitchen just in time to miss the Wrestlicious rap, baby! It makes the Wrestlerock Rumble sound like a Wu-Tang clan song.

You should take note that Draculetta gets a recast and will now be played by Daffney. The Scream Queen has now been David Flair's girlfriend, Sara Palin, and a vampire.

Draculetta mark1

The Von Erich curse is back as Lacey looks to make a quick payday, and to further the ha-ha hilarious comedy, Wrestlicious is sponsored by the Horny Goat Brewing Co.

The highjinks begin with Kandi Kisses, the resident popstar. She's the Britney Spears of wrestling, which we can only hope that she'll shave her head bald and attack opponents with a huge umbrella. This isn't the case, instead she's out to sing her smash-hit, Dropkicked my Heart.

It turns out that she's lip-syncing, thought it was kind of a long time to make a Milli Vanilli joke and Johnny C doesn't let me down, as he chims in with, "shades of Milli Vanilli and Ashlee Simpson."

Commercial break and we're back with the announcement of a 20 women battle royal to determine who will face off for the Wrestlicious Championship. Next is a "spotlight" of Autumn Frost,which is just filler footage of Miss Frost(AAA's Jennifer Blake) in a bikini.

Our first match is "The Goddaughter" Toni the Top, Italian mob stereotype, taking on Maui, the island princess and Hawaain hula girl stereotype. I'm just waiting on the jokes about getting lei-ed.

"She'll met you at the airport gate and get lei-ed right there." Thank you, Johnny C, these jokes write themselves. 

They lock up and Toni backs Maui into a corner, chokes, punch, kicks, and crowd taunts from Toni. Maui is whipped into the ropes and it's clear that she can't run the ropes. The ropes, by the way, look like those foam noodles you play with in the pool.

A boot to the gut and a scoop slam driver later gets Toni the quick win. "Toni the Top crushed Maui like a pineapple." No, that was Brian Adams.

Another commercial break and Cousin Cassie is in the doctor's office, Cassie thinks that she may need glasses, but old sawbones prefers to drink straight from the bottle. a ha ha ha.

Quick clip of Bandita's Cantina is next and Wrestlicious is starting to feel like an episode of Hee Haw!

Fan interaction time as we get a graphic for the battle royal, will it be called Hard Justice? How about the Hoedown Throwdown? Or maybe it'll be Viente Chica Eliminacion.

Main event time, as Maria Toro(Mercedes Martinez) Bandita, and from my homestate of Louisiana, Felony(TNA' Payton Banks) will be taking on Tyler Texas, Cousin Cassie, and Charlotte, who hails from Flair Country, North Carolina. Charlotte is indie darling Amber O'Neal, so let's see if she sticks her ass in someone's face, cause if that doesn't sound like Wrestlicious, I don't know what does.

On a side note, Felony, the convict, is "managed" by Officer Bubba, sadly he isn't Big Bubba Rogers.

Cassie will start off for Team Southern Blonde, she locks up with Bandita and they go back and forth with pushes.

"Whenever Cousin Cassie walks by, you can smell the fresh dairy air." Thank you, pervy Johnny C.

Snapemare by Cassie and another and another. Bandita takes a powder and Cassie plays to the crowd.

"Bandita and Cousin Cassie are the future of women's wrestling." Well, Johnny C, they don't have their own wiki pages and their real names aren't listed on the Wrestlicious wiki. So,no they're  the future Virgils.

Side headlock and double axe handles to Cassie's back give Bandita the advantage. It's been all filler so far with Johnny C providing the punny jokes. A double clothesline leads to Felony and Tyler Texas tagging in.

Punch,punch,kick, it's all in the mind. Telegraphed double arm drags by Texas and a dropkick for a 2 count.

The heels get Texas in the corner and Charlotte and the ref do the classic, "turn around ref" spot. Felony tries to escape, but Officer Bubba is there to cut her off. This beatdown lasts way tooooooooo long and Felony gets a 2 on Texas.

Toro gets tagged in and hits a clothesline before tagging Felony back in. Toro and Felony hit a drop toe hold/elbow drop on Texas, but it only gets a 2. Felony puts Texas in a straight jacket and leans back, pressing her legs against Texas's back.

Johnny C mentions Felony making a shiv out of a toothbrush,but no jokes about lesbianism or prison rape.

Felony turns Texas over and turns the straight jacket into a camel clutch hybrid and finally lets go. Toro gets back in and throws Texas into the corner for punches and chokes.

Charlotte is finally in and Toro tags in Felony. Charlotte cleans house, but comes up short as Toro drives her to the mat and Felony picks up the win for the heels.

There we have it, the first episode of Wrestlicious. I won't do many of this as I could only find a handful of episodes online-if I can't find it on youtube or dailymotion, then I can't find it.

Thanks for reading

-N.R. Perez