Muscle Rock Madness!

If it wasn't for RD Reynolds and all the fine folks over at Wrestlecrap, then I wouldn't of known about this 32 minute hybrid of wrestling and hair metal. Now, after watching this, I don't know whether to thank them or curse their very existence.

Strap yourself in and keep your eyes peeled like Alex Delarge, cause we're really in for a true horror show.

 The International Wrestling Federation and the last dying breath of the 80's presents: Muscle Rock Madness!

Right out of the gate and we're greeted with three things that'll accompany us through this madness: 1.Hair metal

 2. Wrestling

 3. Boobs!

Clips of random unknown wrestler after unknown wrestler are cut between clips of Unknown 80's hair-metal band cheesing out on stage. I have a feeling we'll be in for more or less of the same:

cheese metal

wrestling

and boobs

Only a minute and a half into this and I'm ready to stop watching and delete it from my computer. On a side note, I had never heard of the IWF until this crap hit my computer screen back.

One more time for boobs

After a clipfest that nearly lasted four minutes, we get our first match; a tiny and portly Mexican man, oh shit! This isn't a match, but various clips of said Mexican, Mondo Guerrero.

You know that feeling you get when you're stuck with a Stephen or Daniel Baldwin movie and you'd rather have Alec? Yeah, same goes for poor Mondo.

Guerrero joins the generics onstage as they jam out a tune dedicated to Eddie's brother.

Did I mention mention that he's wrestling a shark in one of the clips? No, not Sharkboy or John Tenta, but a man in a shark outfit, complete with a fin on the back.

We finally get the actual match between Mondo and the man shark, but not before we get a good look at Guerrero as the long lost member of Demolition, Onomatopoeia.

Commentary for Mondo V. Shark is provided by Screaming Jackass #1 and Screaming Jackass #2. The Bon Jovi coverband is still jamming away and switch to an EVEN more generic sounding song, Shark attack. I was waiting for Mondo to jump this shark, but it sadly never happened.

This crowd is D-E-A-D, dead and the commentary is barely audible over the blaring "music", the band eventually stops playing and the commentary is audible, but I wish it still wasn't, as one guy tries to sound like Jesse Ventura.

Mondo randomly wins the match as its awarded to him after the shark gets tossed outside the ring, was it by count-out? A dq finish,maybe? 

"I don't always win boring, botch-filled matches, but when I do, I have no fucking clue how."

Post match, Guerrero hits the shark with what looks like a plastic chair.

This fucking mess of a "match", not including the various clips before it, went about 15 minutes, which is 14 minutes and 30 seconds longer than I wanted it to go.

Match#2,in what the commentary team put over as "Rock n' Roll and wrestling at its best", is between the #3 contender for the womens championship, Goldielocks

and her opponent,the #2 contender, Reggie Bennett

The All 80's coked-out band break into She's gotta be Mine for this womens match. Both ladies are sporting aerobic gear in what will surely be a 5 Meltzer classic.

*SWERVE* The ref, a Tony Clifton look alike named Handsome Harry grabs the mic and cuts a small heel promo.

Just look at Goldie's face. Priceless.

Handsome Harry wants respect, but I doubt he'll find any in this dump. The match, if you want to call it a match, wasn't much to see. It started with a Goldie applying a headlock, which I'm certain is what the sleeping crowd wanted to see, but the Randy Orton special gets reversed into a headscissors, surely to satisfy all those creepers out there. The mat classic of moves, Goldie powers out and slaps another headlock on Reggie.

Kind of hard to focus with Reggie's arse being out.

Even with two women rolling around in thong leotards, the crowd is still deader than Elvis. Thankfully, it doesn't last long, as 7 pure minutes of hell end when both women turn on Harry. No contest. I give it -5 Meltzers.

Time to back to more random wrestling clips set to a song that makes Hulk Hogan's American Made theme sound like a Grammy hit, American Strong. 

America: boobs, fat guys with mullets, and more boobs. God bless the USA!

After the tribute to Merica( FUCK YEAH!) A Bad Dudes clip vid is shown next, who are a generic heel tag-team with a bitching theme, which includes the lyrics: walking hammerlocks and muscle coated stone.

They saved the best for last, one for the ages, one which I've uploaded to youtube and will also insert here: The Bad to the Bone parody, Samoan to the Bone.