Wrestlicious Takedown Episode 1

Is it G.L.O.W.?

NOPE!

W.O.W.?

GUESS AGAIN!

IT'S WRESTLICIOUS, BABY!

Get ready to hear that over and over again, Wrestlicious(baby) is half the brain child of Jimmy Hart, who spouts out the b-word more than the Justin Bieber single.

The debut episode starts off with a montage of the goofy shit to come, complete with audience cheers.

Will cheer for booze

We're then treated to the kitchen of JV Rich, real name, Jonathan Vargas, the goofy bastard who Hart and G.L.O.W. producer Johnny Cafarella duped into footing the bill of Wrestlicious.

Complete with models masquerading as wrestlers 

Vargas was 19 at the time and just recently won over $30 million in the Florida powerball; I guess there's worse ways to blow a lot of money. Any who, back to the show.

Jimmy Hart is doing the dishes, which is apparently funny, according to the laugh track at least. Jimmy leaves the kitchen just in time to miss the Wrestlicious rap, baby! It makes the Wrestlerock Rumble sound like a Wu-Tang clan song.

You should take note that Draculetta gets a recast and will now be played by Daffney. The Scream Queen has now been David Flair's girlfriend, Sara Palin, and a vampire.

Draculetta mark1

The Von Erich curse is back as Lacey looks to make a quick payday, and to further the ha-ha hilarious comedy, Wrestlicious is sponsored by the Horny Goat Brewing Co.

The highjinks begin with Kandi Kisses, the resident popstar. She's the Britney Spears of wrestling, which we can only hope that she'll shave her head bald and attack opponents with a huge umbrella. This isn't the case, instead she's out to sing her smash-hit, Dropkicked my Heart.

It turns out that she's lip-syncing, thought it was kind of a long time to make a Milli Vanilli joke and Johnny C doesn't let me down, as he chims in with, "shades of Milli Vanilli and Ashlee Simpson."

Commercial break and we're back with the announcement of a 20 women battle royal to determine who will face off for the Wrestlicious Championship. Next is a "spotlight" of Autumn Frost,which is just filler footage of Miss Frost(AAA's Jennifer Blake) in a bikini.

Our first match is "The Goddaughter" Toni the Top, Italian mob stereotype, taking on Maui, the island princess and Hawaain hula girl stereotype. I'm just waiting on the jokes about getting lei-ed.

"She'll met you at the airport gate and get lei-ed right there." Thank you, Johnny C, these jokes write themselves. 

They lock up and Toni backs Maui into a corner, chokes, punch, kicks, and crowd taunts from Toni. Maui is whipped into the ropes and it's clear that she can't run the ropes. The ropes, by the way, look like those foam noodles you play with in the pool.

A boot to the gut and a scoop slam driver later gets Toni the quick win. "Toni the Top crushed Maui like a pineapple." No, that was Brian Adams.

Another commercial break and Cousin Cassie is in the doctor's office, Cassie thinks that she may need glasses, but old sawbones prefers to drink straight from the bottle. a ha ha ha.

Quick clip of Bandita's Cantina is next and Wrestlicious is starting to feel like an episode of Hee Haw!

Fan interaction time as we get a graphic for the battle royal, will it be called Hard Justice? How about the Hoedown Throwdown? Or maybe it'll be Viente Chica Eliminacion.

Main event time, as Maria Toro(Mercedes Martinez) Bandita, and from my homestate of Louisiana, Felony(TNA' Payton Banks) will be taking on Tyler Texas, Cousin Cassie, and Charlotte, who hails from Flair Country, North Carolina. Charlotte is indie darling Amber O'Neal, so let's see if she sticks her ass in someone's face, cause if that doesn't sound like Wrestlicious, I don't know what does.

On a side note, Felony, the convict, is "managed" by Officer Bubba, sadly he isn't Big Bubba Rogers.

Cassie will start off for Team Southern Blonde, she locks up with Bandita and they go back and forth with pushes.

"Whenever Cousin Cassie walks by, you can smell the fresh dairy air." Thank you, pervy Johnny C.

Snapemare by Cassie and another and another. Bandita takes a powder and Cassie plays to the crowd.

"Bandita and Cousin Cassie are the future of women's wrestling." Well, Johnny C, they don't have their own wiki pages and their real names aren't listed on the Wrestlicious wiki. So,no they're  the future Virgils.

Side headlock and double axe handles to Cassie's back give Bandita the advantage. It's been all filler so far with Johnny C providing the punny jokes. A double clothesline leads to Felony and Tyler Texas tagging in.

Punch,punch,kick, it's all in the mind. Telegraphed double arm drags by Texas and a dropkick for a 2 count.

The heels get Texas in the corner and Charlotte and the ref do the classic, "turn around ref" spot. Felony tries to escape, but Officer Bubba is there to cut her off. This beatdown lasts way tooooooooo long and Felony gets a 2 on Texas.

Toro gets tagged in and hits a clothesline before tagging Felony back in. Toro and Felony hit a drop toe hold/elbow drop on Texas, but it only gets a 2. Felony puts Texas in a straight jacket and leans back, pressing her legs against Texas's back.

Johnny C mentions Felony making a shiv out of a toothbrush,but no jokes about lesbianism or prison rape.

Felony turns Texas over and turns the straight jacket into a camel clutch hybrid and finally lets go. Toro gets back in and throws Texas into the corner for punches and chokes.

Charlotte is finally in and Toro tags in Felony. Charlotte cleans house, but comes up short as Toro drives her to the mat and Felony picks up the win for the heels.

There we have it, the first episode of Wrestlicious. I won't do many of this as I could only find a handful of episodes online-if I can't find it on youtube or dailymotion, then I can't find it.

Thanks for reading

-N.R. Perez

Wrestling Society X Episode 3 review

Episode three of WSX features three matches, two tag-team matches and one singles match, plus musical guests Sparta.

Sparta, a band I've never heard of before open the episode up to a dead crowd and pipped in cheers.

A short video recap of the WSX title match from episode 2 is played, then followed by a pre-taped promo from Vampiro, the WSX Champion. It's your standard dark promo, he's sitting on the floor, saying how the title means more to him than his life.

Enough of that mopey shit, We got us a match!

(Kay)Fabien Kaelin bounces around the ring and announces that the following tag-team match will be one-fall with a 10 minutes time limit, glad to hear that WSX has at least one rule.

From "Any damn trailerpark they please", which could possibly be in West Memphis,Arkansas, the team of Nate Webb and Josh Raymond, the Trailer Park Boyz.

 The TPB are managed by Johnny Webb and I'm relieved that he isn't wrestling, I don't think I can stand watching him drop guys on their heads.

The Filth and the Fury,Teddy Hart and Matt Cross, are out next and it's flippity floppity flop time! Lets count how many times somebody goes to the top.

Ted Hart loves the pussy

Teddy and Josh start off and a frontface lock leads to a series of wristlock reversals. Double tag and Cross dropkicks Nate Webb while Webb was doing an Ultimo Dragon style corner headstand.

Spot #1 A Matt Cross split-leg moonsault for a two count.

Cross irish whips Webb into the opposite corner and then hits a leg scissors-facebuster combo that send Webb to the outside, Mdogg fakes an outside dive on a stunned Webb.

Josh Raymond tries a Pearl Harbor, but eats an elbow from Cross, Hart leapfrogs in and is somehow the legal man now, guess AAA rules apply?  Hart gets a cradle ddt on Raymond and then a spring board moonsault. Spot#2 

Cross follows this up with spot#3: a Corkscrew springboard moonsault

The commentary team mention again that there's no outside mats.

Bill Watts, ahead of his time.

Hart goes up for spot#4, he tries a moonsault while Cross holds Webb in a backbreaker, but it backfires and he ends up getting two feet in his face.

Hart really starts taking a shellacking, but then thinks to himself, "Why sell? I'm Teddy Hart" so, he hits a flipping tiger driver on Webb, gets grabbed by Raymond and takes a double-underhook shoulderbreaker, what a mouthful!

Meanwhile, Cross goes for spot #5, a doublestomp and gets a two count.

Hart must be tired of wrestling and decides to kill Webb outside the ring via electrocution.

Cross hits a huge frankensteiner and grabs spot#6

Hart follows up with an Open Hart Surgery through a table. Spot#7

Which brings up to the finish and the 8th spot, Cross nailing a shooting star leg drop on Raymond for the 1-2-3.

This match was just a Filth and the Fury showcase, which is ok with me since I don't care for the TPB. It was a fun highspot of a match, highlighted by Hart's more is more philosophy.

Before the second match, we get backstage clips and a video recap of the fued between Luke Hawx and Alkatrazz and Los Pochos Guapos.

These four men will settle their differences in a TLC match:tables,ladders, and cervezas. AY DIOS MIO!

Time for the second match of the night as The White Masked Man, no really that's his name, makes his way down to the ring.

I'll just be referring to him as Hombre, or Generico, or both.
His opponent, Teddy Hart's bbf, Jack Evans.

Hope you want some more flippity flops. Evans starts things off with his breakdance routine, while I'm still stuck trying to do the Crusher. 

"A little boogie woogie, a little shuckin and jivin"

Hombre kicks Evans mid bboy stance to get the action underway and take control. Big springboard clothesline by Hombre takes Evans' head off and Jack takes a breather outside.

A series of reversals leads to Hombre hitting a fisherman buster for the 2 count.

Sparta are a waste of commentary space and no where near as enjoyable as Three 6 Mafia. The regular commentary team mention that Jack Evans is undefeated, which is correct, Evans sits at an unprecedented 1-0!

Evans gets back on offense with a springboard moonsault elbow strike for a 2.

Evans sets up a hits the 630 splash for the victory and his undefeated streak is still alive.

Match was meh.

Before the main event, we get a Matt Classic video package. I love the Matt Classic gimmick and I'm glad Colt Cabana continues to use it from time to time.

Main Event time as Hawx/Altrazz are first out

LPG hit the ring in what should be a HUGE spotfest of awesomeness 

This shit is hard to call, so it's time for glorious gifs!

A baseball slide doesn't score LPG any points.

They get a measure of revenge with this ladder seesaw spot.

Aguilera's weakness comes out with this planted mamacita.

"Aren't you the guy who stabbed John Cena in a nightclub?"

Kaos misses a moonsault and a series of spots take place.

Kaos gets the table and Aguilera grabs the beer.

Some communication between the LPG cost them the match as Kaos gets a face full of beer bottles and then powerbombed through a table. 1-2-3, Hawx and Alkatrazz get the win.

Thanks for reading

-N.R.Perez

On a different note, I might be permanently switching over to wordpress, I'm going to give them a try and see how I like it. 

TNA Knockouts Lockbox Challenge

How do you take a championship title and completely strip it of all its value? Well, TNA managed to do this in two hours.
If you're confused, I'm talking about the Knockouts Lockbox Challenge, an idea so void of logic and storyline that it makes the Steel Ayslum match look like WarGames.

We're backstage with Christy Hemme as she's interviewing Team Tara: Hamada, Tara, Angelina Love, and ODB.

Tara was the Knockouts Champion at the time and involved in a blood feud with Daffney, which included a first blood match and Daffney stealing Tara's pet spider, Poison.

"TNA wants ratings!" -Tara. Cracking a 1.0 is like double Christmas for the folks down in Dixieland. Tara says she plans to pin somebody's ass, I hope it's Daffney's or Velvet's.

Angelina wants the title, which is a no-brainer, wouldn't all of them want the Knockouts title? 

ODB's box, complete with her patting her groin region( where the underpants go) is going after the open contract for any match, which she'd then use to go after "AJ's booty,BAM!", all this talk about boxes and other peoples asses. The segment ends with Hamada speaking Japanese. Priceless.

We then cut to The Beautiful People's lockerroom, where an ecstatic Lacey Von Erich can't wait to show everyone her underpants(how un-sexy is that word)

Time for Knockouts! Boxes! Keys! The loss of all thought and logic! TNA Knockouts Lockbox Showdown(Challenge) is next!

"If you like Knockouts and you like boxes, you're gonna love whats next." -Tazz.
To think that Tazz was once relevant.

This concept match starts off with a backstage clip of Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne "stretching", creeper cam is activated as Velvet pinches Madison's ass.

 When will TNA learn that if men want softcore porn, there's ultra highspeed free porn virtually everywhere online. 
Lacey Von Erich interrupts with a pair of frilly underpants in her hand, the Beautiful People become giddy schoolgirls over it, and a hard cut to the ring for Team Tara: Tara, ODB, Hamada, and Angelina Love.

Team Beautiful People are out next and consists of: Velvet Sky, Madison Rayne , Lacey Von Erich, and Daffney.
Since both teams have made it to the ring, its time to go over the rules, just try to follow along with me, Mike Tenay says, that its an elimination tag team match, once a pinfall occurs, both knockouts are eliminated, winners receive a key to open one of four boxes. The lockboxes contain: the Knockouts title, an open contract for a match of their choice, Poision, Tara's spider, and forced to do a striptease.

Tazz damn near swallows his tongue as he tries to say that the Beautiful People have piston-like butts.

 Rayne and Love open with a collar and elbow tie-up, Love slaps a headlock on Rayne and tags in Tara. Rayne tries to take control and puts Tara's head between her thighs for some weird headscissors/pound Tara's head into the mat.

 Tazz quips in that this move is very popular in Mexico. Tenay, having called great cruiserweight action in WCW, should of known this.
Rayne goes to the top for the Flair spot and Tara grabs her for  a backpack stunner, a three count, and the first key.

Daffney storms in a delivers an elbow strike to Love and brings her into the ring with a hiptoss.

*Commercial break*

During the break, Daffney catches Hamada with a single knee Codebreaker after rolling out of the way of Hamada's textbook moonsault, eliminating her, claiming the second key, and costing us the chance to possibly see Hamada in her underpants.

You know you'd tune in to see this.

ODB vs Velvet and more inane Tazz commentary, including a reference to WCW's "X" on a pole match, good times, good times.

ODB seems to be in control after a fallaway slam and a kip-up that included an ass-shot, I think Tazz found an even un-sexier word than underpants, bloomers.

ODB gets a two on Velvet, Sky then reverses a firemans carry to a ddt for the three count and third lockbox key. Yes, an average, run of the mill ddt puts away ODB. Now we're just down to Angelina Love and the pride of the Von Erich family, Lacey.

I honestly think I'd be a better wrestler than Lacey, she's David Flair with big balloon boobs, and just like Flair, I'm certain there's one or two Puerto Rican men that would love to jerk off on her face.

Love sends Lacey into the corner, then into the opposite corner, and finally she runs into Lacey's very telegraphed boot. Von Erich goes to the top, does a moonsault to her feet, and misses an elbow drop. Love takes advantage and hits the reverse STO for the win and final lockbox key.

I should probably mention that this took place during the sixth week of the "New Monday Night Wars"

 Last segment of the night and time for the Knockouts to open their boxes. I imagine Vince Russo was giggling the entire time when he was coming up with this crap.

First up is Velvet Sky, her box contains the open match contract.

 Tara is next to open her box, but before she does, Jeremy Borash mentions that Tara has never striped before in her wrestling career. Guess no one in TNA ever heard of a bra and panties match.

This never happened!

Tara gets her pet spider back,which also means that she isn't the Knockouts Champion anymore, so she lost her title without losing a match? Great booking TNA.

 It's down to Angelina Love and Daffney, one will be the new Knockouts Champion and the other will be forced to strip. What makes this "striping box" even more of a dumber idea is, that all of the Beautiful People and Angelina Love basically wrestle half-dressed. Velvet Sky's butt is usually out for all the world to see, so why would the chance to see her strip be more appealing and make fans want to watch this episode of IMPACT compared to any other episode? I'm thinking toooo much about this, let's go to the finish.

Angelina Love is the new Knockouts Champion and poor Daffney has to strip for all the nerds in the IMPACT Zone.

 The Scream Queen tries to hightail it to the back, but JB says she'll be fired if she doesn't go down to the ring and strip. Considering how TNA treats its talent, Daff should of packed her bags and went back to North Carolina.

Daffney reluctantly gets in the ring and starts her "striptease", which involves taking off her tiny hat, choker, and baring her shoulders.

 

After Daff bares her shoulders, Lacey Von Erich rushes to the ring and hits Daffney with the "ugly stick", a pink baton that must be made of steel or lead, as Daff lays on the mat for the rest of the show.

Lacey does the only thing she's good for and while she's showing off her underpants, Tara and Love are bickering over the Knockout title, which leads to a brawl to the ring.

Lacey is still striping, Daff is still on the mat, Tara and Love are still brawling, when Velvet Sky gets a mic and gives a tour-de-force performance. She says she'll cash in her open match contract for a leather and lace match against Angelina Love on next week's IMPACT. She didn't challenge for the title? Who drew up this open contract, Roddy Pipper? 

The final mention of someone's ass, as Velvet plans to kick Angelina's all over the ring, which should please the IMPACT Zone nerds.  That's how the episode ends;Daffney on the mat while a talent-less bimbo dances around, Tara and Angelina get broken up by security, and Velvet laughs from the entrance ramp.

What did this accomplish? Tara's hot feud with Daffney was killed, she lost her title without having a match, and was left directionless after this. The talents of Daffney and Hamada were wasted, Daffney was turned face because of the Von Erich attack, only to turn heel again in a matter of weeks. It was an overbooked mess just to get Lacey to strip and to have the title involved in the Angelina Love-Beautiful People feud.


Here's a little bonus for you, brought to you by R.D. Reynolds, TNA FACTS: There have been very few people in this company that had the ability to move ratings at all. Believe it or not, for a period of time, an appearance by Daffney of all people did move the needle and get more viewers to tune in. Those in charge of TNA knew this, and thus decided to stop booking her on television.

Here's what we missed out on

Double bonus: The complete Lockbox Challenge

Thanks for reading
-N.R. Perez