Madison Square Garden:Hulk Hogan vs. The Iron Sheik

January 23rd, 1984, history was made and wrestling took a step towards "sports entertainment". Hulkamania was born and it created a monster. The "Incredible" Hulk Hogan looked to dethrone the evil Iron Sheik and become WWF Heavyweight Champion.

The Sheik had won the title in late Decemeber from former champ and Howdy Doody lookalike Bob Backlund. Rumor was that Backlund, a wrestler in every meaning of the word, didn't want to drop the title to Hogan, so Vince McMahon used the Iron Sheik as a go between.

There's also the rumor that AWA owner Verne Gagne wanted Sheik to break Hogan's legs, but knowing how much of a cheapskate Gagne was, this was probably bullshit.

Gorilla Monsoon and Pat Patterson were on commentary for this main event and the crowd was all Hogan, one fan even felt the need to display his dislike of the man from Iran.

The Sheiky is freaky,baby

Introductions are out of the way and it's time to wrestle.








The Sheik gets Pearl Harbor-ed by Hogan while he's still taking off his headgear and robe. Hogan, then chokes Sheik with his own robe, which is legal,somehow, and the ref starts a five count on Hogan.

Hogan's on fire and the crowd is eating it up, Sheik is doing a great job selling for him. Crowd gets even more apeshit and Hogan does the Steamboat choke.

Big boot by Hogan only gets him a one count, he follows this up by sending Sheik to the ropes for an elbow smash and running elbow drop for a two count.

Sheiky puts the boots to a prone Hogan, then breaks his back and tries for a pin,only to get thrown off.

More kicks from the Sheik and he "loads" his boot for a big stomp,which Hogan sells like he just got hit with a sledgehammer. The Sheik puts Hogan in a Boston Crab,but Hulk powers out of it.

Sheik grabs Hogan for a suplex and a two count, but we all know what's coming next, the Iron Sheik tries to sodomize Hulk Hogan!

Ribbed for Hulk's pleasure

The Sheik, complete with a massive erection, puts Hogan in the dread camel cluth, which is all a part of Sheiky's plan to humble Hulk Hogan. Hogan wanted no part of this and starts to "Hulk" up, eventually standing up and dropping the Sheik onto one of the top turnbuckles.

Hogan sees the fallen Sheik, runs the ropes, hits the big legdrop, and a 1-2-3 later, winner of the match and new WWF Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan!

Hogan hotdogs in the ring for the crowd and then heads to the locker room for an interview with "Mean" Gene Okerlund. Hogan is covered in sweat and oil and keeps spitting all over poor Mean Gene.

"Hulkamania is running world wide and it just turns me on, Mean Gene." -Hulk Hogan.

Andre the Giant crashes in with a bottle of champagne and congratulates Hogan on winning the championship,I think. I couldn't understand a single word Andre said.

The interview ends with old-ass Ivan Putski and Rocky Johnson coming in to celebrate with Hulk and Andre.

The popularity of the WWF would continue to soar with Hogan leading the way, he'd go on to become a pop culture icon and synonymous with professional wrestling, he'd also become wrestling's biggest political nightmare, but we'll get to that later.

As always,thanks for reading.

- N.R. Perez 

Wrestlicious Episode 2

It's Wrestlicious Takedown Episode 2 time and we start off with an extended montage.

The never aging Jimmy Hart and Leyla Milani open the show. Jimmy wants Leyla in his stable,like he doesn't have enough jobbers with The Mountie and Nasty Boys. Leyla wants Jimmy in her stable though, her horse stable that is. She jokes that Jimmy would be shoveling horse manure, the same as he's doing now.

Canned laughter and Shau-Na-Na drives down to the ring with her two forgettable partners.

Not as cool as the Honky Tonk Man's Wrestlemania 4 entrance, but hey, they're working with a budget here.

Shau-Na-Na claims that her and her Be-Bops are straight from the 50's, just picture Deuce and Domino, only all female and without the ugly valet, sorry Cherry.

The girls are very old school and cite wrestlers like Gorgeous George,Bobo Brazil, and Killer Kowalski as their inspirations. They would of been better off being inspired by WCW's Gorgeous George, the former stripper and valet of Randy Savage. She would of been a perfect fit for Wrestlicious.

 

A caddy-load of 50's slang and jokes and we'll see you later, alligator. A graphic of the main event, or only event as this will be a segment filled episode, is displayed next.

Marley(Daizee Haze) the hippie will be taking on Sierra Sheraton, a parody of Paris Hilton. Remember that Wrestlicious was in 2010 and Hilton was old news by then. So, the Sheraton character is just another outdated joke.

Back from a commercial break and we go to JV's crib. Toni the Top brings Autumn Frost along with her and this is starting to look like the beginning of a cheap porn.

JV slams the door in their faces and Frost lets out a shriek!

A Wrestlicious Wrewind of a match I haven't seen yet. Just highlights of White Magic(RoH's Lacey) the voodoo mistress and possibly Papa Shango's mistress as well, Daffney in her debut as Draculetta, cheerleader Amber Lively(Madison Rayne) and oh good fuck, Lacey Von Erich. I have no fucking clue when this match happened,but I'll track it down for review.

We then get a poem that would rival the words of Lanny Pofo: Love is like a clothesline, hits you hard when you least expect it and it knocks you for a loopy daze.

I take back my comment about this being like Hee Haw, it's more like Tuesday Night Titans and with that being said, time for The Young and the Wrestlers.

Did you know that a wrestling porn was made back in 1988? The title was The Young and the Wrestling, coincidence?

Bootcamp Bailey, Wrestlicious's military character, has some new recruits and she gets Autumn Frost, Felony, and Maria Toro to train them. One of her maggots takes a walloping from Frost and their punishment is to clean a hottub with toothbrushes.

More filler comedy and my best guess is that Bailey is played by some unknown model.

This episode's spotlight is on Tyler Texas(SHIMMER's Lorelei Lee)

Shau-Na-Na and her Be-Bops are in what looks like a Mel's Dinner and now I'm hungry for D-grade steak and eggs.

Johnny C bursts into the girls locker room and they job him out and walk away. I forgot to mention that Kandi Kisses is Lizzy Valentine, this marks her second appearance, along with Daffney, Lacey Von Erich, and Madison Rayne, on the GORILLAPRESSDRIVER.

Are You Smarter than A Male Wrestler? It's Marley vs. the Cuban Assassin. Man, Scott Steiner would kick ass at this game.

The first and last match of the night, Sierra Sheraton hits the ring first and is followed by Marley. Marley pulls a Dhalsim and Sierra Pearl Harbors her.

A lot of stalling and working the crowd, I won't go into too many details as it's stalling, rest holds, stalling, work the crowd, rinse, wash, and repeat.

Sheraton tries to use her height, but Marley outsmarts her by jumping for outstretched hand, now if only the Undertaker had used this tactic against Giant Gonzalez, both men were former basketball players.

Marley works Sheraton's long arms and hits a big headscissors takedown. Sheraton recovers and slams Marley down for a one count.

Standard heel fair from Sheraton and Marley reverses for a rollup and a two count. Sierra comes back and get a 2 count of her own.

More corner chokes by Sheraton, Marley gets a victory roll, but comes up short at two.

Sheraton ends the match and picks up the win with a big boot straight to Marley's face.

This series of Wrestlicious reviews will be short, I only found a couple episodes online and a lot of matches that weren't featured. I plan on taking a break from Wrestlicious, possibly from all writing as I'm about to go back to college in a couple of days.

- N.R.Perez.

Wrestlicious Takedown Episode 1

Is it G.L.O.W.?

NOPE!

W.O.W.?

GUESS AGAIN!

IT'S WRESTLICIOUS, BABY!

Get ready to hear that over and over again, Wrestlicious(baby) is half the brain child of Jimmy Hart, who spouts out the b-word more than the Justin Bieber single.

The debut episode starts off with a montage of the goofy shit to come, complete with audience cheers.

Will cheer for booze

We're then treated to the kitchen of JV Rich, real name, Jonathan Vargas, the goofy bastard who Hart and G.L.O.W. producer Johnny Cafarella duped into footing the bill of Wrestlicious.

Complete with models masquerading as wrestlers 

Vargas was 19 at the time and just recently won over $30 million in the Florida powerball; I guess there's worse ways to blow a lot of money. Any who, back to the show.

Jimmy Hart is doing the dishes, which is apparently funny, according to the laugh track at least. Jimmy leaves the kitchen just in time to miss the Wrestlicious rap, baby! It makes the Wrestlerock Rumble sound like a Wu-Tang clan song.

You should take note that Draculetta gets a recast and will now be played by Daffney. The Scream Queen has now been David Flair's girlfriend, Sara Palin, and a vampire.

Draculetta mark1

The Von Erich curse is back as Lacey looks to make a quick payday, and to further the ha-ha hilarious comedy, Wrestlicious is sponsored by the Horny Goat Brewing Co.

The highjinks begin with Kandi Kisses, the resident popstar. She's the Britney Spears of wrestling, which we can only hope that she'll shave her head bald and attack opponents with a huge umbrella. This isn't the case, instead she's out to sing her smash-hit, Dropkicked my Heart.

It turns out that she's lip-syncing, thought it was kind of a long time to make a Milli Vanilli joke and Johnny C doesn't let me down, as he chims in with, "shades of Milli Vanilli and Ashlee Simpson."

Commercial break and we're back with the announcement of a 20 women battle royal to determine who will face off for the Wrestlicious Championship. Next is a "spotlight" of Autumn Frost,which is just filler footage of Miss Frost(AAA's Jennifer Blake) in a bikini.

Our first match is "The Goddaughter" Toni the Top, Italian mob stereotype, taking on Maui, the island princess and Hawaain hula girl stereotype. I'm just waiting on the jokes about getting lei-ed.

"She'll met you at the airport gate and get lei-ed right there." Thank you, Johnny C, these jokes write themselves. 

They lock up and Toni backs Maui into a corner, chokes, punch, kicks, and crowd taunts from Toni. Maui is whipped into the ropes and it's clear that she can't run the ropes. The ropes, by the way, look like those foam noodles you play with in the pool.

A boot to the gut and a scoop slam driver later gets Toni the quick win. "Toni the Top crushed Maui like a pineapple." No, that was Brian Adams.

Another commercial break and Cousin Cassie is in the doctor's office, Cassie thinks that she may need glasses, but old sawbones prefers to drink straight from the bottle. a ha ha ha.

Quick clip of Bandita's Cantina is next and Wrestlicious is starting to feel like an episode of Hee Haw!

Fan interaction time as we get a graphic for the battle royal, will it be called Hard Justice? How about the Hoedown Throwdown? Or maybe it'll be Viente Chica Eliminacion.

Main event time, as Maria Toro(Mercedes Martinez) Bandita, and from my homestate of Louisiana, Felony(TNA' Payton Banks) will be taking on Tyler Texas, Cousin Cassie, and Charlotte, who hails from Flair Country, North Carolina. Charlotte is indie darling Amber O'Neal, so let's see if she sticks her ass in someone's face, cause if that doesn't sound like Wrestlicious, I don't know what does.

On a side note, Felony, the convict, is "managed" by Officer Bubba, sadly he isn't Big Bubba Rogers.

Cassie will start off for Team Southern Blonde, she locks up with Bandita and they go back and forth with pushes.

"Whenever Cousin Cassie walks by, you can smell the fresh dairy air." Thank you, pervy Johnny C.

Snapemare by Cassie and another and another. Bandita takes a powder and Cassie plays to the crowd.

"Bandita and Cousin Cassie are the future of women's wrestling." Well, Johnny C, they don't have their own wiki pages and their real names aren't listed on the Wrestlicious wiki. So,no they're  the future Virgils.

Side headlock and double axe handles to Cassie's back give Bandita the advantage. It's been all filler so far with Johnny C providing the punny jokes. A double clothesline leads to Felony and Tyler Texas tagging in.

Punch,punch,kick, it's all in the mind. Telegraphed double arm drags by Texas and a dropkick for a 2 count.

The heels get Texas in the corner and Charlotte and the ref do the classic, "turn around ref" spot. Felony tries to escape, but Officer Bubba is there to cut her off. This beatdown lasts way tooooooooo long and Felony gets a 2 on Texas.

Toro gets tagged in and hits a clothesline before tagging Felony back in. Toro and Felony hit a drop toe hold/elbow drop on Texas, but it only gets a 2. Felony puts Texas in a straight jacket and leans back, pressing her legs against Texas's back.

Johnny C mentions Felony making a shiv out of a toothbrush,but no jokes about lesbianism or prison rape.

Felony turns Texas over and turns the straight jacket into a camel clutch hybrid and finally lets go. Toro gets back in and throws Texas into the corner for punches and chokes.

Charlotte is finally in and Toro tags in Felony. Charlotte cleans house, but comes up short as Toro drives her to the mat and Felony picks up the win for the heels.

There we have it, the first episode of Wrestlicious. I won't do many of this as I could only find a handful of episodes online-if I can't find it on youtube or dailymotion, then I can't find it.

Thanks for reading

-N.R. Perez