Hulk Hogan starring in Bash at the Baywatch

I never watched Baywatch, I was too young for Pam Anderson's bouncy funbags and David Hasselhoff in a banana hammock; I was born in 1990 and the most melodrama I could handle was Spiderman's struggle with Mary Jane Watson.

I was, and still am, a wrestling fan and if you would of told little N.R. that Baywatch would have Hulk Hogan and The Macho Man on an episode, I would of been glued to the tv, waiting for it to air.

The episode featuring The Hulkster was titled Bash at the Beach, but it's commonly referred to as Bash at the Baywatch or Baywatch at the Beach.

The episode starts with Hulk and The Macho Man riding around on jetskis, Hogan mixes kayfabe and real life with his Terry "Hulk" Hogan billing. This episode also features Ric Flair, Kevin Sullivan, and Vader.

Some blonde catches Hogan's eye and he presumably starts to "Hulk up" on his jetski, his erratic behavior is noticed by a lifeguard not named Pam Anderson or David Hasselhoff.

Hogan goes flying off his jetski and gets crushed by it. This could be an example of art imitating life as a jetski accident was the cause of Hogan's blackeye at Wrestlemania

 9.

600 plus pounds comes crashing down on the Hulkster, which causes Pam Anderson to spring into action, along with her other model lifeguards.

Hogan survives without a scratch and gets surrounded by bimbos in red bikinis. Wooden acting happens and the Mega Powers walk away to have a quick chatski. I'm skipping all the Baywatch bullshit and just focusing on the wrestling parts.

Hulk joins Pam in his Canadian tuxedo for a spot and then they all go down to the local gym, which saved Hulk from life on the streets, wouldn't you know it, the gym is in danger of being shut down.

We get the shocking reveal of who's buying the gym, none other than, Ric Flair, who brought Kevin Sullivan and Vader with him.

Flair wants to shut down the gym and level it for the property, probably because he hates kids.

The three villains challenge Hulk and Savage to some matches, Flair against Savage and Hogan against Vader, the faces accept,but not before The man from the White Castle of Fear grabs a kid's basketball and crushes it with his hands.

Hogan and Savage take off,which leaves the heels plotting to get Hogan in a cage match with Vader, their reasoning is that Hogan is too agile for Vader in a normal match. Yes, Hulk Hogan is agile.

The Hulkster and the Boobster rescue a boy trapped under a rock. It takes all of Terry Boulder's strength, but he finally manages to get his rock off. Maybe Killer Croc had something to do with this?

Up next is a montage of Hogan and Savage working out with all the kiddies, Hogan's first WCW theme, American Made, blasting in the background. 

 It's finally time for the showdown and Pam Anderson opens up Hogan's tv conference, Macho also gets some time to hotdog,showboat, and grand stand.

The matches are just footage from Bash at the Beach 1995 spliced with reaction shots of the Baywatch cast. After Savage beats Flair, the ring crew set up the dreaded Slim Jim cage of doom and it's Vader Time!

Of course, it would be Vader Time, except for the small fact that Vader is wrestling Hulk fucking Hogan. Once again do we get to see the career of one of the best monsters in wrestling get killed and buried.

All you need to know is that Hogan wins, the gym gets saved, and Vader is a piece of shit, a big, fat piece of shit.

Wrestlicious Episode 3

  

Wrestlicious time once again, I'll be looking at episode three today, I don't have much more to watch and review,so I might just download random matches, or just completely drop it like I do everything else.

 
 Hoedown Throwdown is the winning name for the upcoming Battle Royal. It looks to be a barn burner, now if only JV Rich would of burned down the production house and tried to collect the insurance money.

The show opens with Jimmy Hart and he's joined by Brooke Lynn, played by indie queen, Becky Bayless. Bayless would later spend some time in TNA as the Snooki parody, Cookie.



  

She had the unfortunate task of jobbing to JWOWW from the Jersey Shore and being paired with Robbie E, but if you need someone for a big-haired feisty New York/New Jersey gimmick, Bayless is the right pick.

Country Quickie with Tyler Texas and Cousin Cassie has the two southern blondes tell Jeff Foxworthy like jokes to canned laughter in what would be a perfect HeeHaw throwaway gag.

Another edition of Are You Smarter than a Male Wrestler features Greg "The Cigar Store Indian" Valentine and Lil Slamm. Valentine misses an Mc Hammer question and I feel like I just lost some brain cells watching this bit.

The first match of the night is Kandi Kisses vs. Lil' Slamm. Kisses gets booed to the ring and her opponent, Slamm, has one of the most generic nicknames out there, "The Rapper"; I hate dueling music feuds.

This looks to be a quick punch and kick affair as Kisses leads Slamm through the match; This match must have a move limit.

I like Kisses' Elvis jumpsuit, which is probably the only decent thing that this match has going for it.

Slamm eventually goes on the offensive and strings some good moves together save for her clotheslines.

Lil' Slamm picks up the win after hitting Kisses in what has to be the laziest X-Factor ever.

Amber Lively is this episode's spotlight. Filler footage, how I know thee well. 


After the mandatory bikini montage, it's time for another clip of The Young and the Wrestlers, which again, is not the 80's porn, The Young and the Wrestling.

More of Bootcamp Bailey's jobbing maggots getting beat up, these beatings are followed by a nutritious meal of bread and water.

This must be Bailey's personal diet, you can tell because the woman is in dire need of a few PB&J sandwiches. 





Eating disorder jokes aside, it's time for the Hoedown Throwdown and time to decide which two women will wrestle for the Wrestlicious championship.
 The participants are: Hope and Faith ( Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews) Marley, Maria Toro, Paige Webb (Serena Deeb) Toni the Top, Charlotte, Brooke Lynn, Lacey Von Erich, Felony, Alexandra the Great(SHIMMER's Danyah)Autumn Frost, Glory( Christie Ricci) Draculetta, Tyler Texas, Sierra Sheraton, Amber Lively, Kickstart Katie, Maui, and White Magic.

The order of elimination: Tyler Texas is gone right as the bell dings in what looks to be a grade-A clusterfuck. White magic is next, followed by Marley, Draculetta, and Amber Lively. Hope and Faith get tossed next, Lacey is out, so is Sierra Sheraton, Autumn Frost, Paige Webb, and Maui. Kickstart Katie gets thrown over, Brooke Lynn is out, Alexandra the Great and Toni the Top both get tossed.

The final two women in the ring are Glory and Felony, these two will wrestle on the next episode to decide who will be the inaugural Wrestlicious Champion.


As always, thanks for reading.

-N.R. Perez