TNA Knockouts Lockbox Challenge

How do you take a championship title and completely strip it of all its value? Well, TNA managed to do this in two hours.
If you're confused, I'm talking about the Knockouts Lockbox Challenge, an idea so void of logic and storyline that it makes the Steel Ayslum match look like WarGames.

We're backstage with Christy Hemme as she's interviewing Team Tara: Hamada, Tara, Angelina Love, and ODB.

Tara was the Knockouts Champion at the time and involved in a blood feud with Daffney, which included a first blood match and Daffney stealing Tara's pet spider, Poison.

"TNA wants ratings!" -Tara. Cracking a 1.0 is like double Christmas for the folks down in Dixieland. Tara says she plans to pin somebody's ass, I hope it's Daffney's or Velvet's.

Angelina wants the title, which is a no-brainer, wouldn't all of them want the Knockouts title? 

ODB's box, complete with her patting her groin region( where the underpants go) is going after the open contract for any match, which she'd then use to go after "AJ's booty,BAM!", all this talk about boxes and other peoples asses. The segment ends with Hamada speaking Japanese. Priceless.

We then cut to The Beautiful People's lockerroom, where an ecstatic Lacey Von Erich can't wait to show everyone her underpants(how un-sexy is that word)

Time for Knockouts! Boxes! Keys! The loss of all thought and logic! TNA Knockouts Lockbox Showdown(Challenge) is next!

"If you like Knockouts and you like boxes, you're gonna love whats next." -Tazz.
To think that Tazz was once relevant.

This concept match starts off with a backstage clip of Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne "stretching", creeper cam is activated as Velvet pinches Madison's ass.

 When will TNA learn that if men want softcore porn, there's ultra highspeed free porn virtually everywhere online. 
Lacey Von Erich interrupts with a pair of frilly underpants in her hand, the Beautiful People become giddy schoolgirls over it, and a hard cut to the ring for Team Tara: Tara, ODB, Hamada, and Angelina Love.

Team Beautiful People are out next and consists of: Velvet Sky, Madison Rayne , Lacey Von Erich, and Daffney.
Since both teams have made it to the ring, its time to go over the rules, just try to follow along with me, Mike Tenay says, that its an elimination tag team match, once a pinfall occurs, both knockouts are eliminated, winners receive a key to open one of four boxes. The lockboxes contain: the Knockouts title, an open contract for a match of their choice, Poision, Tara's spider, and forced to do a striptease.

Tazz damn near swallows his tongue as he tries to say that the Beautiful People have piston-like butts.

 Rayne and Love open with a collar and elbow tie-up, Love slaps a headlock on Rayne and tags in Tara. Rayne tries to take control and puts Tara's head between her thighs for some weird headscissors/pound Tara's head into the mat.

 Tazz quips in that this move is very popular in Mexico. Tenay, having called great cruiserweight action in WCW, should of known this.
Rayne goes to the top for the Flair spot and Tara grabs her for  a backpack stunner, a three count, and the first key.

Daffney storms in a delivers an elbow strike to Love and brings her into the ring with a hiptoss.

*Commercial break*

During the break, Daffney catches Hamada with a single knee Codebreaker after rolling out of the way of Hamada's textbook moonsault, eliminating her, claiming the second key, and costing us the chance to possibly see Hamada in her underpants.

You know you'd tune in to see this.

ODB vs Velvet and more inane Tazz commentary, including a reference to WCW's "X" on a pole match, good times, good times.

ODB seems to be in control after a fallaway slam and a kip-up that included an ass-shot, I think Tazz found an even un-sexier word than underpants, bloomers.

ODB gets a two on Velvet, Sky then reverses a firemans carry to a ddt for the three count and third lockbox key. Yes, an average, run of the mill ddt puts away ODB. Now we're just down to Angelina Love and the pride of the Von Erich family, Lacey.

I honestly think I'd be a better wrestler than Lacey, she's David Flair with big balloon boobs, and just like Flair, I'm certain there's one or two Puerto Rican men that would love to jerk off on her face.

Love sends Lacey into the corner, then into the opposite corner, and finally she runs into Lacey's very telegraphed boot. Von Erich goes to the top, does a moonsault to her feet, and misses an elbow drop. Love takes advantage and hits the reverse STO for the win and final lockbox key.

I should probably mention that this took place during the sixth week of the "New Monday Night Wars"

 Last segment of the night and time for the Knockouts to open their boxes. I imagine Vince Russo was giggling the entire time when he was coming up with this crap.

First up is Velvet Sky, her box contains the open match contract.

 Tara is next to open her box, but before she does, Jeremy Borash mentions that Tara has never striped before in her wrestling career. Guess no one in TNA ever heard of a bra and panties match.

This never happened!

Tara gets her pet spider back,which also means that she isn't the Knockouts Champion anymore, so she lost her title without losing a match? Great booking TNA.

 It's down to Angelina Love and Daffney, one will be the new Knockouts Champion and the other will be forced to strip. What makes this "striping box" even more of a dumber idea is, that all of the Beautiful People and Angelina Love basically wrestle half-dressed. Velvet Sky's butt is usually out for all the world to see, so why would the chance to see her strip be more appealing and make fans want to watch this episode of IMPACT compared to any other episode? I'm thinking toooo much about this, let's go to the finish.

Angelina Love is the new Knockouts Champion and poor Daffney has to strip for all the nerds in the IMPACT Zone.

 The Scream Queen tries to hightail it to the back, but JB says she'll be fired if she doesn't go down to the ring and strip. Considering how TNA treats its talent, Daff should of packed her bags and went back to North Carolina.

Daffney reluctantly gets in the ring and starts her "striptease", which involves taking off her tiny hat, choker, and baring her shoulders.

 

After Daff bares her shoulders, Lacey Von Erich rushes to the ring and hits Daffney with the "ugly stick", a pink baton that must be made of steel or lead, as Daff lays on the mat for the rest of the show.

Lacey does the only thing she's good for and while she's showing off her underpants, Tara and Love are bickering over the Knockout title, which leads to a brawl to the ring.

Lacey is still striping, Daff is still on the mat, Tara and Love are still brawling, when Velvet Sky gets a mic and gives a tour-de-force performance. She says she'll cash in her open match contract for a leather and lace match against Angelina Love on next week's IMPACT. She didn't challenge for the title? Who drew up this open contract, Roddy Pipper? 

The final mention of someone's ass, as Velvet plans to kick Angelina's all over the ring, which should please the IMPACT Zone nerds.  That's how the episode ends;Daffney on the mat while a talent-less bimbo dances around, Tara and Angelina get broken up by security, and Velvet laughs from the entrance ramp.

What did this accomplish? Tara's hot feud with Daffney was killed, she lost her title without having a match, and was left directionless after this. The talents of Daffney and Hamada were wasted, Daffney was turned face because of the Von Erich attack, only to turn heel again in a matter of weeks. It was an overbooked mess just to get Lacey to strip and to have the title involved in the Angelina Love-Beautiful People feud.


Here's a little bonus for you, brought to you by R.D. Reynolds, TNA FACTS: There have been very few people in this company that had the ability to move ratings at all. Believe it or not, for a period of time, an appearance by Daffney of all people did move the needle and get more viewers to tune in. Those in charge of TNA knew this, and thus decided to stop booking her on television.

Here's what we missed out on

Double bonus: The complete Lockbox Challenge

Thanks for reading
-N.R. Perez